Maybe you don’t know what I mean by, a “relationship” with food. Or, what I mean when I say a “relationship” with your body. Maybe, you don’t understand that you even NEED one, and so you can’t even grasp this concept. If this is you, it’s ok. I get you. There is nothing wrong with being in this space mentally, right now.
If you would have asked me this or told me this years ago, I would have looked at your weird. I would have thought you are crazy and clearly DO NOT understand my problem.
I dismissed these concepts and ideas like this for years of my life. I thought it was for the woo woo crowd, not logical what so ever and that for me to really STOP binging or getting “fatter”, the only choice was to diet. Was to restrict and try hard to improve my willpower. Totally NOT to relate to myself, my body, or food better. That was just weird. 😉
I knew what my problem was. But I just couldn’t get my shit together long enough to fix it, at least that was what I thought. I put all my eggs in this basket and nowhere else. But yet spun my wheels forever and never looking back. There couldn’t be another way BECAUSE the diet industry totally kept telling me it was the diet NOT anything else. And that to fix this issue, I had to eat better, exercise harder, eat less calories, try this shake, take this supplement etc. to fix my weight issues.
In my mind, I saw the real issue and it was that I had no willpower and that to beat this demon, to stay at a weight I wanted to be at, I had to figure out how to improve my willpower first. I couldn’t let myself settle into being happy where I was physically because I wasn’t! I was miserable. I hated myself for not being able to stick to anything. I needed to be a size 2. HAD to be.
And so, I kept doing this, until one day I was like WTH, this isn’t working, I am still miserable, still “fat” and I don’t know what to do.
So, I decided in order to get the change I desire, I had to look at it from a different place than ever before. I decided to be brave.
And If you haven’t ever struggled with weight or food, than you will probably think NOT dieting isn’t that brave, but for someone who would rather die than have attention be drawn to her body that she thinks is the worst thing ever, to stop dieting is more than brave, it’s downright courageous!
But I needed inner peace more than anything. I needed my mind to SHUT THE F up and just be quiet. I was tired of all the rules. All the craziness! The menu reading ahead of time. The hours spent logging every bite. The mental bashing all because I couldn’t wear tank tops without my arms jiggling. BTW, all arms jiggle to some degree.
I just needed to get off the diet rollercoaster. I needed to STOP reading diet book after diet book. I needed sanity. I needed to stop obsessing over food, allow food to BE and for me to BE and not have guilt, shame or any other negative emotion attached to it. NORMALITY was what I craved.
So, I just let go.
And girl (or guy), it was totally not as easy as that once sentence sounded. It took A LOT of work. But I let go. I worked up to it. It took years, and still IS a work in progress. But I dove deep into myself. Deep into WHY I needed to be a size 2. WHAT that meant to me. HOW it would feel to be that size.
I got clarity from a non-judggy perspective. I sought out to understand myself like I was a new friend that I met and wanted to know their whole life’s story. I didn’t assume anything about myself, didn’t try and force myself into wanting anything. I just got to know me, date me and figure out who the hell this person was after so many years or rejecting her because “she wasn’t good enough as she is”.
It wasn’t that the world said I wasn’t enough; it was me that agreed. And I agreed without even knowing it. Without signing on to those thoughts. It just sort of happened. Once I was at a place where I saw who I was, I finally came to a place of calm and could start seeing who I wanted to be in this world. How I wanted to show up. What kind of life I wanted to live and be a part of.
I set aside a physical size, because size is just a number, it has zero to do with if I am a good person. It EVEN has zero to do with if I am beautiful or not. It has EVERYTHING to do with my fears. Fears that weren’t even my own either. Fears, I never signed up for. Fears about not being loved, not being fully accepted, totally being rejected and feeling alone and isolated.
Seeing who I was, what I wanted out of life, I started to embrace myself. I started to accept myself inside and out for where I was, who I was now, but kept my eyes on where I wanted to go. I started to soften my thoughts, my mindset. I started to appreciate myself and my story unlike ever before.
I noticed I started to look at myself in the mirror from a place of love and compassion. Noticing ALL the good things and less of the bad. I started to enjoy getting dressed again, being my best self from a place of not proving anything to anyone but just feeling good in my skin. In my own body. Being me. I deserved to feel good and I took that on fully.
I stopped commenting on my belly, my thighs, my arms and just enjoyed clothes shopping again, feeling confident walking into any room or social situation because I felt good. And I wanted to workout because I wanted to FEEL good, not because I over ate, ate too many carb or fat grams or because I wanted to fit into anything specific. I ate because I was hungry NOT because I was beating myself up mentally and needed to eat to not feel.
Food became less of a negative thing or a rewarding, celebratory, calming thing. Food became food. I didn’t want to sit and binge on a bag of chips, candy or even eat myself into a sleepy state. I started to seek foods that gave me energy and didn’t leave me feeling tired and bloated. I could have chocolate in the cupboard for days and weeks and not care.
I stopped going to parties and obsessing over what was there for food, if I could eat it, what I would allow myself to eat and didn’t question a hundred times in my head nonstop, “should I eat this?”, “I wonder how many carbs this has?” “I can’t eat this until I track it” AND just ate while connecting with those around me. Like actually had real social interactions with people.
And If I ate a cookie, I no longer thought anything about it except, “this is yummy” or “these taste horrible”. I just started to eat when I was hungry NOT because 2 hours had past and “I need to keep my blood sugar stable”. I no longer left parties to come home and EAT ALL THE THINGS because I didn’t restrict. I ate while I was there. I enjoyed it and I moved on. But I stayed connected to what was around me, enjoying the company NOT just the food.
This is how my life started to change. This is the place I finally got to. But let’s me clear, I STILL work at this. It never ends. I spent YEARS of my life dieting. It will take years to keep going and to keep working on my mindset, being present inside my body so that old programming doesn’t creep back in when I am not looking. Growth like this CAN happen and did for me. This is the work I do with clients everyday and this work is the most important work to do. To get to. It’s NOT the dieting harder. The willpower. It’s ALL of this and I can help guide you through it too.
I can help you renew your life. Get to know yourself. Be the you that feels good and confident while enjoying being in your body and present every day (or most days).
This is WHAT having a healthy relationship with yourself and food can look like. You just have to want it and put the time and effort in like I did. If you want to talk about working together, I do free consults to get to know you and your needs better. Click HERE and get on my schedule. Let’s get you on the road to peace and healing but not just for now, FOR LIFE!
With Nourishing Love,