My WHOLE life, or so it seems, definitely most of my life anyway, my only goal was to “lose weight”. Anytime it was a new year, my resolution was simple…WEIGHT LOSS.
I never had to think about what my year would be about. I never focused on anything else because my happiness was waiting on that weight to go away. I lived and breathed weight loss.
And the only reason it was always my goal, was because I couldn’t ever maintain my weight when I did lose it.
I would always say, “this will be my year!”, “It will be easy, I have ALL year to make my goal.”, “I have THE diet to help me get there.”, “it’s only 30 lbs.” and EACH year…I would be in the same boat. Sometimes IN the year I would lose some weight, ranging anywhere from 10 lbs. to one year where I lost 50 lbs. when I was really motivated.
And by motivated I really mean, obsessed, but other people may call that focused.
I call it obsessed because it took over my life while I was “doing it”. That was the only way I could ever lose weight was the 24/7 focus of it. It was so hard otherwise. The goal consumed by every waking thought. If I wasn’t thinking about how many calories I was eating, it would be how many calories I am going to eat, AND did I track it? Did I track it right? What did I miss AND is that on my diet? Is it approved? WAIT…I have to count macros with this diet. SHIT! I ate too many carbs. Oh great…I guess I will just start again tomorrow.
Would you call those lines of thinking…Focused? Or obsessed?
When I DID lose the weight, I would somehow think that I could just go and eat “normal” meaning not on a diet after. “The diet” was just to be used to lose the weight and then after that, I would just eat “normal” and magically not gain it back? I spent so much of my life reading different diet books, researching new diets and asking around and finding what works.
But I never really stopped to think things through, such as how illogical ALL of that was. I wasn’t ever present in the moment. I was always hyper focused on the goal. Focused on my weight to get to. I was a professional dieter and I knew way more than I needed to on the subject of diets.
I was such a professional dieter, that I got myself an eating disorder but I never knew it at the time because it was all so wrapped up in and around diet culture. WHICH is so dysfunctional and a disorder within itself PERIOD. But my nights of binging on all of the things because “tomorrow I am going to start my diet again”, “This is just a cheat meal…cheat day…cheat week” etc. seemed completely “normal” at the time.
But after my “final attempt” to lose weight, 50 lbs. to be exact AND achieving my size 2 FIT as shit body, I was all like YAY!! AWESOME!! I will never ever go back again. But…I gained it all back (of course) but this time was different. This time I saw something that I hadn’t seen before or experienced.
The first thing I experienced however, was a DEEP sense of mourning. I mourned the loss of what that weight loss had all meant to me. That took me a long time to get through and I can still feel that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because it was SO intense. It was really hard to get over and had me spinning in so many thoughts that didn’t serve me, like “how could I let this happen”, “What’s wrong with me”, “I am so stupid” and so many more ugly thoughts.
Every time I would try and start that same diet again (because I knew it worked once), I would be faced with remembering what I had lost and get SO caught up in the emotions of it that I would just give up. The emotions of fear, disappointment and thoughts like, “I shouldn’t have to be here again.” “I was already there, WTF Sabrina”. And of course, with thinking like that…I would never make it back there. Never stick to it like I once did from that thinking.
Never did it dawn on me however, that the reason I gained it all back was because it REALLY didn’t work. Lol But when you are in your problems so deep, inside of them spinning, and thinking only the way you do…you miss out on what could save you in that moment.
I DID realize however, after the pain let up a bit, with a little bit different of a perspective and making peace with myself, that when I WAS in that body, the size 2 fit as shit…I STILL wasn’t happy. I still wanted to change it. It STILL wasn’t good enough. “I wanted to see my abs more”, “I wasn’t bikini body ready” etc… I got to see the dysfunction in my dysfunction. The grass not being greener or different.
AND I was STILL not present in life. Like, you would have thought I would have enjoyed that body, did all the things that I wanted to do “when”. I mean it took me forever to finally get there. It felt so amazing! But nope, I didn’t even take a moment to be content. I did my MO…still looking to change more about it instead of appreciating all my hard work and being in the moment. I did NOT do any of the things I said I would when I got there BECAUSE we always think things will be different when “we arrive”.
But we never do. NOT until you change the mindset around it, that is.
If I had focused on my mindset, worked on how I saw myself, my life, my body, food etc. then I would have been equipped to keep whatever results I got, because when you understand that YOUR thinking creates your results based on the actions you take from what you think, it’s a whole new ballgame.
People who have the results you want, no matter what they are, they have a way of thinking you don’t and that is why they have what they have. That doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough or can’t. It just means it’s not natural to you like it is them.
I had to obsess and actively force my way to dropping 50 lbs. pounds (so not natural or “normal”) and as soon as I wasn’t actively forced and focused (because my mindset was programmed for my old body and habits) I gained it all right back. I didn’t have a sustainable mindset. And the diets don’t teach you that stuff.
When I finally saw that I wasn’t really figuring it out from the right point of view, that I was failing because I was missing something LIKE the damn “root cause aka my mindset” I was then able to find the solution I needed more clearly.
In my mind, I was so focused on the “weight” in order for me to start living my life, for my life to really begin…I wasn’t living it. I was always waiting. I wasn’t happy. And from that space of unhappiness, the only thing I created was more unhappiness and more of a need to focus on my weight and dieting to get me there to happiness. It kept me spinning in the same cycle for years and years and I never saw it.
And had I not had the experience of losing the weight, seeing the unhappiness still there, the me still waiting UNTIL another goal “before…” I wouldn’t have seen this still. I would have kept missing it. Spinning. Losing and gaining and losing and gaining.
So, what I want you to know from my perspective now. From my vantage point. From my awesome top of the mountain view…is that you really do have to be happy first. Have a mindset focused on already being happy. Find satisfaction in the you now even though you have goals for it. You will always have goals. That’s the human experience and you can’t ever get it done and that’s such a beautiful thing.
But don’t wait to love and care for yourself, don’t wait to wear that dress, don’t wait to go after that career, STOP waiting and start living because all those people who have what you want…they aren’t waiting, they are living. That is there “normal”.
Change your mindset first. Focus on what you are thinking and what you are creating from that thinking. You can know by how you feel. If you feel bad, you can’t create anything good.
Instead, eat what feels good instead of what “loses the weight” because will that be the mindset you live in forever? NO! You will be eating to feel good once you lose that weight, not to lose it because you already have it!
Workout to feel good, be strong and not punishment because of what you ate. You have to do now, what you will do THEN. It’s just that simple. The now actions, create the then results. And that is sustainable and maintainable!
I have been on my awesome journey since this whole life changing experience happened years ago. I decided to focus solely on repairing and healing my spirit, my relationship with myself. It was so badly broken from all of those years of negative thinking and I knew I wasn’t going to create anything sustainable from that.
So, I started there. Focused on a healthy mindset. A happy life. Feeling at peace with my body in all conditions and of course the relationships around me that suffered from my poor mindset. I have learned to slow down more (I am still not perfect) and become more intentional with practicing daily “stopping and smelling the roses” type of thoughts and movements.
I also make my thoughts and seeing what I am thinking top priority. I have also stopped waiting and started living NOW, as I am because I am happy. And as I work on my goals, I am still happy. The goals I make or I like to say “create” just make me even more awesome versus the goal itself making me awesome.
See that distinction? Subtle but vital.
So, I want to offer you this…instead of focusing (maybe forcing it) on the weight loss, choose to take it off the table first. If being a certain weight and losing weight is your only reason to start to feel good about yourself, then you won’t get there from here. You will get there and then go back there just like I did.
Instead, open yourself up to so much more. A much better relationship with yourself, your body and life. There are so many things you are missing out on because you are focused on the wrong end of the stick. Enjoy yourself NOW, your body as you are now because you are amazing now NOT when.
And as you create your goals from this space, you will have them and not lose them because you will have the right mindset. The mindset that makes maintaining your goal flawless. Lack creates more lack and that is what weight loss is, focused on lack (not having or being). Focus on abundance and being enough (because you just are), and you will create more of that.
You won’t love yourself when you get “there” magically, it might be easier but the root issue will still run deep. So, learn to love yourself, appreciate yourself, and be authentically you now. Be the you, that you want to be now. You don’t have to wait.
With Nourishing Love,
If this resonates with you, reach out to me. I know that I can help you.